Is The Need For Personal Privacy In A Relationship Questionable?

Category: Caribbean Woman Created on Thursday, 09 February 2012 08:21 Written by Tina Mowatt

Should there be any kind of privacy in intimate relationships? 

Privacy is withholding from public view. The things that may be withheld are ideas, beliefs or fantasies. A private moment for a person is a time when his or her activities go unobserved by unauthorized persons but does not necessarily mean the person is alone.

However, the idea of privacy usually conjures two other concepts: Solitude and Confidentiality. It is important to look at the meaning of both in this context as I suspect your agreement and disagreement to my final conclusion may depend from which viewpoint you come. 

A person in solitude is automatically in a private situation. Solitude involves having time alone, being in isolation and retreating from the company of others. Oftentimes we hear of, or even express the need to our partner, to be given “space”. This may mean the person is asking for some alone time, for whatever reason. Some may argue that the reason for wanting solitude is what determines if privacy is permissible in an intimate relationship. There however will be times of solitude in a relationship as most couples are not always together at every waking moment.

Confidentiality on the other hand involves discretion and secrecy. Confidentiality assumes that information or facts are privileged and accessible only to particular persons, if at all available to anyone else. The term “Private and Confidential” is almost a redundancy as anything confidential falls into the realm of privacy.

If you have agreed to form an intimate “coupling” with someone, you are in fact opening that special person to your public and private worlds. He or she ideally, is entrusted with who you are completely and this package includes good and bad traits and habits. Intimacy involves closeness, affection, confidence, familiarity and support. There will be times of solitude as well as sharing confidential information with your partner. What is then “appropriate” as it relates to the privacy of individuals in an intimate relationship?

Mark believes that his girlfriend Sandra should never use his mobile phone. He thinks it is “... an invasion of privacy..” to look at the contents of his phone for any reason. “If it is ringing and I cannot get to it, let the voice mail pick it up!”, Mark says. He has put a password on his phone to “protect” his privacy and Sandra interprets this stance as a man with something to hide or he sees her as a snoop. This is an ongoing struggle in the relationship.

Karen finds it difficult to understand why her husband is offended when she locks the bathroom door. She prefers to perform her bathroom rituals in solitude as this is also a time for her to reflect and to enjoy her own company. Paul is openly irritated and offended by this move, perceiving it as shutting him out or preventing him from sharing moments with her. To Paul, a locked bathroom door means Karen is only willing to share “some” parts of her and not all, as he desires. To Karen, she “... just want a little privacy!!....”

Is privacy the real issues in the two scenarios? Should privacy really be an issue in any of the scenarios?

To re-examine: Why is Mark so adamant about the use of his phone by his girlfriend? It isn’t that he is not entitled to his opinions and desires, but is it borne out a negative experience or outlook? As well, is this really about privacy? Many women may argue that Mark acts like a man who had something to hide or who has serious trust issues. Theses may in fact be the underlying issue when he is demanding “privacy” regarding access to his phone.  Should there really be ANY good and positive reason why Mark would take steps to prevent his spouse from gaining access to his phone. Can Mark and Sandra experience a successful, intimate relationship with this significant issue between them?

Why is Paul so offended? What can possibly be the issue with Karen  wanting “... a little time..” to herself?  Is there an underlying issue with his perception of being left out in some way or is it that Karen should not have a problem with her husband walking in and out of the bathroom while she is performing her bathroom rituals. As for Karen: if she has agreed to be involved in an intimate relationship with Paul, why should his presence in the bathroom disturb her inner musings. Is there somehow shame associated with certain rituals and she is therefore more comfortable with solitude on those occasions?

The demand for privacy in the context of an intimate relationship, may be more an avoidance of other issues that needs to be dealt with, including  an unwillingness to be fully open with a partner. It also seems unreasonable that feelings of rejection or insecurity are associated with being asked to provide privacy. Couples should use their response to privacy demands or their need for privacy in a relationship as an indicator that some other underlying issue may need illumination and healing. 

Photo Credit To Madame Noire

Editor-in-Chief's Note: Tina Mowatt is a freelance contributor with MNI Alive