Shameless Behaviour And Disgraceful Antics

Category: Island Talk Created on Tuesday, 07 February 2012 01:27 Written by Ebonie Jones

There was a time when shame and disgrace were a dynamic duo. They always showed up together, and kept bad behaviour in check. Recently, it appears that they have gone their separate ways. Shame no longer plays a role in deterring and preventing certain behaviour. Unfortunately, without shame there is no disgrace and society falls apart.

I was watching an episode of the Braxton Family Values that made me clutch my head-tie and gasp. Trina declared that she engaged in an “oral transaction.” I initially thought she was referring to an oral agreement, a meeting of the minds, or some other mutual exchange deeply rooted in intellect. I was flabbergasted when I finally realised she was referring to oral sex. When she emphatically stated that she enjoyed this one directional moment of pleasure and showed not an ounce of regret, I went all the way Antiguan and exclaimed, “Me cyaan believe she say dat!”

Are there no longer boundaries as far as our relationships and bodies are concerned? Do we hate ourselves so much that revenge is the ultimate goal? If the actions of another cause you to compromise your dignity, please separate from that individual. If your husband cheats and you think an act of adultery will even the field, it’s time to consider divorce. If you can’t bring yourself to the point of forgiveness, you’re better off leaving.

This might be easier said than done, and I’m by no means condoning divorce. However, in deciding between divorce and adultery, I really don’t see how the latter is the better choice. This is the problem with relationships in the 21st Century. People prefer to play tit for tat rather than address relationship issues in a mature manner. They decide to be passive-aggressive, pretend that everything is fine, and then unleash their fury at an opportune time. Alternatively, some use their partner’s prior hurtful acts to justify their bad behaviour, after they have plotted and executed. This leads to ongoing hurt, lack of trust, inability to achieve a resolution and plain old misery.

People choose to live in this dysfunction because their conscience is seared; they don’t know how to love or what love is, and they have no shame. Shame is defined as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour. If shame still had a role, we wouldn’t see or hear much of the filth we do. Society fuels a selfish, do what feels right, get revenge at any cost mentality. No boundaries or restrictions exist. Hence, shame is a concept of the past. Anything goes and everything is accepted. 

West Indian folks know better. We were taught that a good name is better than riches, and most would never publicise the fact that they cheated or engaged in an “oral transaction.” Shame is what kept most of us in check. We were taught that our bad decisions didn’t just affect us; bad decisions affected the entire household.

For example, First form was rough. I got into a fight that resulted in two days suspension. Since fights and suspensions were unacceptable individually, the fact that these two were elements of the same incident meant problems when I got home. When I explained what happened, my grandmother almost popped a blood vessel. For two days she reiterated at regular intervals that the neighbours knew why I was out of school; it looked bad; they probably thought she was a bad guardian; and it made me look like a wayward child. Yes, I was filled with shame for two days. I’m not a fighter, and the fact that I lost the fight added to my misery. The neighbours probably didn’t even care, but this is how I was kept in check and it worked. After this incident, I never fought or got suspended ever again.   

Today, it’s the opposite. People are encouraged to air their dirty laundry and be as bad as they want to be. Offenders are no longer embarrassed when they are being dragged off to prison, and politicians have no problems posting suggestive photos to their twitter account. In today’s culture, evil is good and good is evil. Undoubtedly, we live in modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. At this point, I think many have ventured far from their axis of shame and the world has become a scary place. 

Ebonie Jones is a freelance contributor to MNI Alive 

Photo Credit To Yid With Lid